For my first post, I felt it appropriate to go back to 2000 to the event that almost destroyed me, but led me to this place in our lives. Many on you know this story, but for those who Scott and I have met since then and those we have reconnected with, you may not.
To hear the words, "You have Stage IV cancer" was not in my master plan. Scott and I had been married for 8 months, I had only been out of college a year, and had just started my teaching career. I was only 24. In a matter of 6 weeks, I was diagnosed, had a full hysterectomy, and was unable to have children. As fast as it came, it was gone, but the aftermath still exists in me somewhere deep and quiet. A constant fear, and a sens of grief at the loss of my child. The one who would look like us. Scott's eyes, my smile....
The most amazing gift God gives women is the ability to grow life. That gift for me was gone, and I felt the sting of that every day. As the years went on, that ache faded. It became easier to go to my friend's baby showers and to hold their children. While I was always happy for their joy, there was an ache that I would never know that feeling. As time went on, I changed my focus. I focused on career, friends, and having fun. I eventually came to accept this part of me, and had faith that God had the perfect child for us, but he would let us know when we were ready and when that child would get here. We could make a difference in a life that we never would have considered if we had our own. So, life went on....
Scott and I had talked on and off about adoption. I knew I wanted kids, but it was always, not now. I would play around online and look into adoption agencies, but I knew the cost was way out of reach for us. So, I put it on the backburner. I wasn't ready anyway.
When my nieces began having children, I looked in the mirror, and said, I'm not getting any younger, it is time to really think about this. I began dropping hints to Scott, and he would just grunt at me. ( anyone who knows Scott, knows this grunt that happens when he doesn't want to talk about something or he has nothing to say) In January of this year, I asked Scott if he even wanted kids. We were and still are so accustomed to our way of life, we both knew to make this decision would change it forever. He simply said, "sometimes I do, sometimes I don't." I knew exactly how he felt, because I felt the same way.
Over the next few months, we had more conversations about getting older, thinking it may be time, etc. In March, one of my teachers at school, shared with me the Sans Pareil center in Houston. He said he and his wife had been to Depelchin, and a variety of other agencies, spent thousands, and had finally found this amazing organization. They are non profit, so the adoption is 100% free. the best part is, the adoptions are through CPS, and I had felt for a long time that God had aplan for us. As he told me about this center, a feeling of complete joy and excitement came over me. This was it. This was a God thing. I called immediately, and talked to the placement counselor. Simone is awesome. She is blunt, honest, and has the same passion for helping kids that I do as an educator. We clicked immediately, and I made our orientation appointment.
Now, how to tell Scott?
We were sitting on the back porch after work in early April. I told Scott, 'I know what I want for my birthday." He rolled his eyes, like here we go... I told him about the appointment and what I had learned about the Sans Pareil center. i asked him if he was ok with us going to the orientation, seeing what it was all about, and going from there. He actually said yes!
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